As I watch the 'Clackers' (Devil Wears Prada on inflight tv) quickly rush to retouch their make-up, it suddenly dawned upon me that in my flurry of completing Bisou BonBon stock, replying last minute customers' emails and disorganized packing, I have forgotten to include my Louboutins. I now have no proper heels to wear at the highly regarded summer fashion course because the only footwear I brought with me are my (very exhausted looking) Repetto flats and La Senza house boots (which I've converted into street wear because Imma rebel like that... got you fooled there-lah.. it's really cos Imma weirdo). The more I try to recollect what I've shoved into my 28.4kg luggage, the more I realize that I did not bring as much accessories and makeup as I had initially planned. Turns out I'm more of a Korean mini-mart mule than a high fashion muse. Now I'm scared. NOW I'm rethinking my cutting edge bangs, my marshmallow body and most of all, horror of horrors, questioning my competency. Prior to this, all I felt was that gleaming beacon of pride. They did mention in their acceptance letter and I quote, "The application process for this course is extremely competitive, thus you should be very proud of your place..." (do note that I don't care if you think it sounds generic, don't spoil the fantasy!). And now the insecurity has started to seed (and potentially fester)... and.. I'm worried. I'm worried if my Dell-cracked-at-the-screen will suddenly go asystole on me. I'm worried if my interpretation of style is abhorring. I'm worried that I cannot keep up with my peers-to-be. I'm worried that I may fail. That f-word and I'm tired. I have not slept in 2 weeks with all the locums, product manufacturing and trying to tidy up the blog (you know just in case someone from Conde Nast decides to so-called chance on it). Not forgetting my wife and daughterly duties. Dayum, adult life is truly taxing (and children aren't even in the equation yet!).
So I'm offering myself an antidote to this dark feeling with constant self reaffirmation and visions of sparkling rainbows and gleaming unicorns. The excitement and anticipation of learning catalyst the good vibes. There has been so much loss lately with the miscarriage, funerals and relationships that I can't help but be paranoid. But this, this opportunity to redeem my life long desire to learn about fashion is what I hope when things turn around for the better.